You wouldn't believe the thrill I, Luigi Linguini, felt when Rheiner, the Bouncer, led me up to Phillip's VIP Lounge, the most celebrated VIP Lounge in Sitges. Everyone was there, I mean everyone. I couldn't even begin to name the glittering Stars there. You could have cast a couple of Biblical blockbusters and a dozen disaster movies with the number of film stars there that night.
Best of all, Debbie, the toast of Sitges, was to be with us as soon as she was ready to dance for us! Unfortunately, she'd sold all photographic rights to Hello! magazine and the photos I took that wonderful night were confiscated by the magazine.
The first thing you see on entering Phillip's VIP Lounge is the 100 m. long bar, and its scantily-clad bar-boys. I went over to the crowded bar and ordered a Phillip's Special. The floating, heart-shaped dance floor was empty as everyone was conscious of Debbie's need for space and had already been waiting for over two hours.
I found I was sitting next to was this short, ugly woman with thinning hair, blubbering uncontrollably into her Pink Fizz. I tried to avoid her. I noticed everyone else was trying to avoid her too. The bar-boy brought me my drink, and as I reached for it she grabbed my arm.
"How could he have done this to me? I thought we were so happy together in Nice? Then he throws me out before I've even signed the photo releases."
Everyone around me moaned.
The bar-boy, feeling sorry for her, held her arm and said, "Forget him Nuria, he's not worth it."
I turned the other way and wished Margaret was here for this.
I'd been talking to Keanu Reeves for five minutes, not recognising him I'd asked him what an underage child was doing here, when I heard an excitement in the crowd. I turned around and before I knew it, I'd been slapped in the face.
When I came to, I saw Debbie trying to kick me in the kidneys and a dozen men trying to hold her back. Oh, my God, what have I done?
"Don't Debbie," they were saying. "He didn't know who Nuria was."
"O.K. But I'm not coming out to dance if you don't all start treating my best friend Nuria Pujol nice."
"Oh, sorry Nuria."
Somebody helped me up from the floor. And I noticed Richard Giri had gone up to Nuria and was already making her feel better. Hugh Grant and Kenneth Brannagh were also with her and I realised I'd lost my stool.
But you're never alone for long in Phillip's VIP Lounge, there's always something going on. I heard this amazing roar outside and out the 360 degree panoramic windows I could see this helicopter coming at us. I gave out a shriek.
Richard Branson helped me out from under the table. "Don't be afraid. You're new here aren't you? There's a heliport on the roof. That's probably Prince William."
Prince William? I stumbled back on my feet. That's right. If you look at Phillip's mural of past customers you'll see a lot of Royals there. Lady Diana, Princess Margaret, the Queen Mum, there's even the barmaid from the Rover's Return.
Sure enough, an enormous staircase leading up to the roof lit up, and down it came Prince William dancing to the sounds of Public Enema, in a top hat and tails. Amazing!
As he reached the bottom with the last beat of the song, the dance floor immediately lit up. And in the middle of it was Debbie in all her dazzling glory! A tango struck up, and Debbie and Prince William danced together. This was amazing. I was awe struck!
After the song Debbie danced alone while Prince William went up to the bar. She's very charming I'm sure but her hectic, exotic dancing didn't seem to go with the soothing sounds of the Stones covering the famous Perry Como standard "I want my slippers, I want my pipe, I want a nap".
There was a bit of a kerfuffle at the door, so I went to see what was going on. The Backstreet Boys had tried to get in but Rheiner was having none of it. I got there just in time to see him throw a full bottle of Bollinger at their heads, yelling "and jou can stay in ze backstreet too."
"But Rheiner," I said, "they're famous."
"Ve no vant no Soft Cock Cafe types in Phillip's VIP Lounge."
Wow, what a classy place.
Before I knew it Woody Allen was also trying to get in.
"Ve don't vant no pretentious squirts here eizer," yelled Rheiner, and sent him tumbling down the stairs with a punch on the nose.